Imperfections and Flaws

I didn’t just wake up one morning loving myself. The level of self-love I’m currently on, took a lot of looking in the mirror, bare, naked and consciously loving and accepting the reflection I saw. I’m not going to lie and say it’s a walk in the park because it really isn’t. It’s embracing my flaws wholeheartedly and that’s hard. It’s letting go of the idea of perfection, it’s not striving to be perfect.

Okay here’s it, I’ve got lot of gaps in my dentition, I’ve got a very big foot disproportionate to my body size, my curves aren’t in the right places, I’ve worn glasses for as long as I remember, I’ve got many strands of white hair- which means I have had to struggle with a lot of superstitions surrounding that, some people saying I have white hair symbolizes wisdom, others saying wealth, others saying I’m reincarnated, creating standards no one asked them for when it’s just simply genetics and pure biology. I have insecurities, I have fears, I’m not usually strong all the time, I break down one too many times, I sin, I have done things I’m not proud of, things that have caused me shame. I get impatient, I sing songs of praises to God with the same mouth I gossip. I have hurt people, sometimes unintentionally other times intentionally, I have had to humble myself and seek forgiveness, sometimes I get forgiven sometimes I don’t and I have had to live with it. I have come face to face with my shortcomings, I have experienced failure, shame, embarrassment.

I still experience all of this, I still get angry every time I try on a pair of shoes at the store and I have to drop it cause it’s undersized, I still get offended when unsolicited comments are made about my hair even though I’ll shrug it off, I still get sad when I can’t wear eyelashes for owanbe sometimes because I will have to wear glasses to be effective but what’s different from the girl of yester years is I don’t look away, pretend they aren’t there or blame the society, cover girls of magazines for creating unrealistic standards or beauty instead I accept them while consciously working to be better. I’m not waiting to have enough money to fix my dentition before I love myself, I’m loving myself through the wait.    For the longest of time, I faked self- love because it was the concept trending and I didn’t want be to left out. I was trying so hard but failing.  I loved myself on the outside but loathed myself when no one else was watching until I got the epiphany to stop looking at myself through the lens of the society, what they consider pretty and to start looking at myself through the lens of God’s love, it got better that way. That as undeserving as I am, flaws and all, the big man considered me worthy of his love, laid his life for me, ME. I’m a big deal, if the creator of the universe sees me that way, I have no business not loving me.   I am remarkably flawed in so many ways, I’m not black or white, I’m all shades of gray and everything in between. But, I am the only one there is and that will ever be, with this one life to live, I am present and doing my best to be my most authentic self while embracing my imperfect self every day of my life and that would have to be enough.

I hope you have the most amazing week ahead, full of discovering yourself and learning to love yourself better. Thank you for stopping by.

-Tomiyin